Waking Up With Myself

Whenever I wake up, I make sure to look in the mirror and ask myself the question “how can I possibly wake up without a smile on my face?” Well, I never really got the chance to answer that question until today. Because today myself finally answered the one question I have been dreading everyday. So why I don’t feel happy waking up in the morning with myself? That’s because I am alone. Even with people surrounding me at work, friends over coffee, or an occasional greeting from a family member, I feel alone. And yes I am alone in this world. Nobody is REALLY THERE.

I remember at one point in my life I had everything and possibly a sense of contentment where happiness is not an issue. I left all that to pursue something I have never encountered before. I traveled a road so unknown; I got hurt a million times along the way. It is so hard trying to put the pieces back together when I know I have come a long way from home. Now that I want to go back it seems so difficult now. I regret this one decision because I thought I would be happy. I thought this was the one thing that was missing in my life. But in the end it turned out to be my biggest mistake. If my mother was here, she’d say the same things she told me a few years back. I should have listened to her. Despite her being this perfectionist, she was able to keep me away from the real world. She kept me somewhere safe where nothing can go near and even when I know she was selfish to keep me all to herself, at least I know that she just wanted what she thinks is best for me.

Now, I am desperately alone; struggling to find my way back but not getting any closer. On the contrary, there are things that I am still grateful for in my present life. I got the independence but then I wanted it so badly I wasn’t prepared for it. With independence comes the reality of fighting my own battles. This I see everyday when I wake up with myself and only me.